It’s ok Not To Be OK.
I am a firm believer that one should never apologize for “THEIR” feelings. We do not have a right or wrong way to feel. We all feel different ways about several topics and experiences. We do not have to agree with one another. However, we should always respect and honor the next person.
Life will allow us to grow. Our growth can be either spiritual, through experiences or a combination of both. As I prepare to turn 28 (let me live my last years of my 20’s in peace :), I have come to realize that it’s ok, not to be ok. In fact, it is necessary for you to experience a time when things are simply not ok.
Allow me to share a story with you. Growing up, I always wanted a husband and a few children running around our home. It was the typical little girl’s dream. I wanted nothing more than to be a wife, a wedding planner and an amazing mommy. A portion of that dream came true when I married my husband in 2014. Marriage is truly a unique ministry and requires much of each person. You must be willing to learn, grow, stretch, give, take and repeat on a daily basis. Although my dream of marriage is a reality and my dream of becoming a wedding planner is in the process of becoming a reality as well, I still have a dream deferred in regards to motherhood. People have often asked me the following questions
1.) Oh, Do you have children together- My Response: Not yet, but I do have a bonus son from my husband’s previous relationship. 🙂
2.) Oh, do you at least want children- My Response: Well, Of Course!!
3.) Oh, well what are you waiting on, Are you trying at all- My Response: rapid blinks, blank stares.
I was struggling with this very topic. One of my own areas of “It’s OK, not to be ok was through motherhood. I was not ok. I was hurt. In this year alone three of my friends have given birth or are preparing to give birth by the end of this year. Of course, I am elated for each of them, but a part of me still hurt. I didn’t understand why my womb had betrayed me. I would ask myself, is this punishment for previous sins and poor choices? What is wrong with me? Why are people who don’t even love God or value marriage conceiving and I’m not? God, why won’t you choose me? Why me, Lord.
I then realized that with that negative thinking, I was delaying my own blessing. I do not know when God will open my womb. You may not know when God will answer your prayers but know that He is God and that He can and HE WILL!
We will experience beautiful seasons of life and also experience seasons that are downright awful. They may seem to have a never-ending story line. You may be ready to give up. You may feel that you have no more fight left in you. You may feel that you have given everything you have and simply can’t go on. What a beautiful place to be in.
I know. You are probably thinking to yourself, wait, what? It is true. When you are in a rock bottom place, you have nothing left but GOD to count on. You can do nothing but rest in HIM. You can offer nothing but yourself. This is what he wants, you. He (God) simply wants you. You are His prize. You are his gem.
My desire for motherhood is not in vain. I know and understand that God places desires in us that are pleasing to Him. I also know that God moves in His own timing. There are things being aligned for us that we can’t begin to imagine or plan for. Your desires are heard. God knows. He hears your quiet prayers and he sees the tears you shed. He has not given up on you. Do not give up on Him.
Galatians 6:9- And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. (ESV)
Colossians 1:11 We also pray that you will be strengthened with all his glorious power so you will have all the endurance and patience you need. May you be filled with joy. (NLT)